The bad part about it is I don’t think I’ve been truly happy in my adult life except for 2;years and guess what. Those were 2 of the most painful years of my life. So wait does that mean I am only downto 1 yr of bliss. Probably. Truth be told is probably easier to speak this than to type it. Your mind kind of flows better without having to fool with the keyboards. But I say all that to say that every time I’ve ever written a journal I’m always reaching or trying to have this quest to be happiness or to be happy it’s amazing how you can think back on your life and you can really very rarely think of times where you were significantly happy. I’m not talking about childhood I was probably just a miserable kid. There was nothing my parents didn’t do to make sure that we did not have everything we needed. And over and above what we needed. I think that has to do with having an overbearing mother. Which is a subject for another journal day. But going into a different mode here. What this whole face is is trying to really pursue happiness and trying to release all this negative stuff that has build up in my mind and I simply I simply just am tired of it don’t know what to do with it and I would like to release it. Tired of being scared. I’m tired of always bringing the death nail bell. Ed bought it to my attention the other day. He doesn’t get mad about much but he was annoyed about that he was somewhat annoyed about that the fact that I’m always thinking well we can’t get a house that big because if something happens I can’t take care of it. He’s like what are you planning on my death. No I’m not. But that goes into my issues of always being scared scared of being alone scared of not being worth s*** for somebody to marry scared of not having children scared of not really having a place to live like people have lived for years. Scared of not having your own. Scared of always being sad. I got this new tablet I’m starting this new life and it has to begin from this point I must muster enough courage to be happy. Nobody else can do that for me. It’s something I have to do for myself. And it’s so hard it’s so hard I’m so lonely and I just wonder. I mean I f***** up my life enough so I just figured I’d give it back to God since I had made such a mess of it I’m on autopilot I’m not trying to figure this out trying to go where he leaves me. Take the little hint that he drops for me. And see if I can go with that and make a decent life for myself. It’s so much I want to say and right. Never been a journal type person. But if I can talk some of this out and then read my book the battlefield of the mind. I’m hoping that I might get some sort of a reaction that’s different from the one that I currently have. My life is always been well I’m going to wait I’m going to wait till I get married to have children because it’s embarrassed mommy I’m going to wait till I have a husband to do this well I had the house and f*** that up so I don’t have to wait for that but if I had a husband then the house wouldn’t have got f***** up. It’s always something always something so with this new point or a new evolution point it’s going to start today. Today happens to be September 19th 2021. While I was at work, The book battlefield of the mind was on the desk. Kind of heard God saying yeah perhaps you should read that. Because that’s going to tell you how I’m thinking. How you should be thinking. How the devil gets into your mine to try to trick you into all kinds of horrible thoughts. Well I thought I was recording a whole lot of stuff it’s a whole lot of stuff that was missing maybe just saying it out loud was was the missing key but I sort of feel better. So let me just go ahead to this final thought that I had because that’s going to be the final thought that I had. I pray that God will bless every business, that they will be millions of customers tapping in on that website. I pray that my little craft jewelry and eyelash business takes off that I will have millions of people hitting my website for for the beautiful things that I have to offer. I pray that we have the beautiful home that we want to have that we want to live in our forever home. No fear no fear no fear in Jesus name within the next year. I pray that our mind is strong that our body stay strong that you continue to bless us. I’m grateful for everything. I come to you with gratitude. I give my life to you God because I have made such a mess of it I’m not at all trying to figure out anything else. It’s going to go where you lead me to go. Cuz you have a subtle way of letting me know things but that’s cuz you have to be open to it. No more fear that’s what this journal will be about no more fear get out and do what you have to do. There are people who have thousands of diagnosis of things that are horrible and they have a finite time but I don’t. Thank you Jesus you’ve given me life and life more abundantly that you covered and sent Jesus to to to take my sins thank you Jesus no more fear journal of Life September 19th 2021.